omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
