Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
