Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i out mim tonsoeep
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