i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
