this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
