You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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