FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
