The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
