I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
