my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
