I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
