the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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