I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Randomize
