One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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