I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
