God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
