ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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