Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You ruined the universe
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
