I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
