True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
