I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
