I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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