is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
