We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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