yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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