Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
