I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
