You made me cry and you don't even care
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
