we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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