just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
