i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
