"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
