420 ftw
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
