It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
