the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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