what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
