If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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