I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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