complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
