Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
