You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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