it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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