When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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