Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
