dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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