Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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