currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
