I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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