He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
