So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
