I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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