I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
