the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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