i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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