it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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