the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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